THE MORETON GRANGE GOLF SOCIETY

Please feel free to contibute jokes for inclusion on this page, generally ones that are golf related. To send you joke in for publication please click here.

A senior citizen bought a brand new BMW Z4 convertible and drove it out of the
salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 120mph; enjoying the wind
blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M4, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more..

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 140mph, then 150 then 160. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this
nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to
catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, "Years ago my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

WOMAN: 'I am at the shopping mall and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2011 Models. I saw one I really liked.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000'

MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price.'

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape. The wonderful husband turns and asks:

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly
she collapses from a heart attack.

"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 999 on his cell phone, talks for minute,
Picks up his putter and lines up his putt. His wife raises
Her head off the green and stares at him.

"I'm dying here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "They
Found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

Numbered Holes
A reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"

Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."

Does Praying Work
A young man and a priest are playing together. It's a short Par-3.

The priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"

The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our heads down."
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Murder
Police were called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know -- five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five."

How to get to Heaven
A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found it and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"

The man replied, "Got here in two, didn't I?"

Golf & Weddings
The bride was escorted down the aisle. When she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

It was a sunny morning, a little before 8:00am, on the first hole of a busy course, and i was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualising my upcomong shot when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker.

I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interuption. Again the annoucement, "Would the man on the woman's tee please back up to the men's tee, please"

I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more the man yelled "Would the man on the woman's tee please back up to the men's tee, please !!"

"Would the arsehole with the microphone kindly shut the f!!k up and let me play my second shot!"

A golfer, now in his golden years, had a life long ambition to play the 17th hole at TPC Sawgrass in Ponte Verde - exactly the way the pros do. The pro's drive the ball out over the water onto the small green that is on a small spit of land. It was something the golfer had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball had always fallen short, into the water. Because of this, he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick, as did many other "average" golfers when negotiating very challenging holes.

Recently he went to Sawgrassto try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old, cut ball as usual, and said a silent prayer.However, before he could hit the ball, a powerful voice from above seemed to be booming out from the clouds, saying "Wait, replace that old ball with a brand new one."

The golfer complied, with some slight misgivings, despite the fact that this same force seemed to be implying that he was going to finally achieve his life long ambition.

So he steeped back and took a pracice swing, certain that this heavenly force was going to make his dream come true.

Thomas, a 70 year old, extremely wealthy widower shows up ay the country club with an absolutely gorgeous breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year old brunette. She hangs on to his arm and listens intently to his every word.

His usual playing partners and fellow members of the club are baffled and shocked. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask "Thomas, how did you get that amazing trophy girlfriend?"

To which he replies, "Girlfriend?, hell she's not my girlfriend, she's my wife."

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he says to his wife, "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad, once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went".

His wife sympathizes. As they sit down she says "Why don't you take your my brother with you, and give it one more try?".

"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help".

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to his brother-in-law, "Did you see the ball?".

Golfer:   'Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake.'
Caddy: 'Think you can keep your head down that long?'

Golfer:   'I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.'
Caddy: 'Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth.'

Golfer:   'Do you think my game is improving?'
Caddy: 'Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.'

Golfer:   'Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?'
Caddy: 'Eventually.'

Golfer:   'You've got to be the worst caddy in the world.'
Caddy: 'I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a Coincidence.'

Golfer:   'Please stop checking your watch all the time.
               It's too much of a distraction.'
Caddy: 'It's not a watch - it's a compass.'

Golfer:   'How do you like my game?'
Caddy: 'Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.'

Golfer:   'Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: 'The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day.'

Golfer:   'This is the worst course I've ever played on.'
Caddy: 'This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago.'

Best Caddy Comment:
Golfer:   'That can't be my ball, it's too old.'
Caddy: 'It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.'

And the old favorite.....is the one about the Golfer who has been slicing
off the tee at every hole. He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy if he has seen any obvious problems to which the caddy replies.... 'There's a bit of shit on the end of your
club Sir'.

The Golfer picks his club up and cleans the club face at which point the
caddy says ' The other end, Sir'

WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: Definitely not!

WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND: Of course I do.

WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan).

WIFE: Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?

WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.

WIFE: - silence - -
HUSBAND: F * ck ...

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THE PARROT IS DEAD
At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.'
'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'
'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'
'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'
'Si, Senor, that's the one.'
'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'
'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'

'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'
'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse. '

'Dead horse? What dead horse?'
'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'
'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'
'Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'

'Are you insane?? What water cart?'
'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'
'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??'
'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'

'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!'
'Yes, Senor Rod.'
'But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?'
'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'

'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'
'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Taylor Made Super Quad 460 golf club.'

SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE..........

'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!!'

The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today."

The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer and collected his shiny new robot caddie. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."

The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir.. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole." Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.

The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right." The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left."

Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.

Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game ?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week."

A week passed and, excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."

The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."

"COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible"

The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fairway."

The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"

The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the other thinks he's the President."

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day  you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister.. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother Superior - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dog leg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you  blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had  happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.

'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I  was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

'You missed the f--kin' putt, didn't you?'

A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, 'I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin.'
The husband replies, 'That's no big thing in this day and age.'
The wife continues, 'Yeah, I've been with one guy.'
'Oh yeah? Who was the guy?'
'Tiger Woods.'
'Tiger Woods the golfer?'
'Yeah.'
'Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.'
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
'What are you doing?' asks his wife.
The husband says, 'I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food.'
'Tiger wouldn't do that!' she claims.
'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'
'He'd come back to bed and do it a second time.'
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
'What are you doing?' she asks.
The husband says, 'I'm still hungry so I was going to call room service to get some food.'
'Tiger wouldn't do that,' again she claims.
'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'
'He'd come back to bed and do it a third time.'
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife a third time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, 'Are you calling room service?'

'No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this damn hole!'

Golfer at Dentist
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist,'Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 A M tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, 'My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.' So the dentist asks him, 'Which tooth is it sir?

The man turned to his wife and said,'Open your mouth Honey, and show him.'
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'The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

'Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "'I can't afford any on the money you give me" 'Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , "For the sake of decency,here's £20, go and buy yourself some underwear!"

'Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head

to reveal that she, too, is naked under it . "Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie!, Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.

'The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says "Well, fer the love of decency woman, here's a comb - .... Tidy yerself up a bit!!!"

Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:

First Guy: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.'
Second Guy: 'That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.'
Third Guy: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.'
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him, 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?'
Fourth guy: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on the ass and said: 'Golf course or intercourse?' She said: 'Wear sun-block.'

A Low Handicapper Golfer (who shall remain incognito to protect their boss) (or anybody else you know who flies the world) is on a business trip in Japan and hires a hooker. The whole night, this Japanese hooker keeps screaming: "Hoshimota! Hoshimota!" He can't quite remember what the word means, but he's sure he's pleased the hooker to best of his ability. The next morning, he goes to play a game of golf with his Japanese business partner when he makes a hole-in-one. Everyone is congratulating him in Japanese and he can't think anything to say but "HOSHIMOTA!" Concerned, his partner turns to him "What do you mean it's in the wrong hole?

I have never written to you b4 but I really need ur advice.I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating. The usual signs;phone rings if I answer the caller hangs up,going out with the girls a lot & when I ask the names its "u don't know them "I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usally fall asleep. Anyway last night I decided to finally check on her. Around midnight I hid in the garage by my golf clubs so to get a good view of the whole street when she came home from her night out with the girls. When she got out of the car she was buttoning her blouse which was open and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind my golf clubs I noticed it. A hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3 wood. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the shop.

This chap comes across a scruffy bloke near a golf course who asks him for a few pounds to buy food. He gets out his wallet and gives him 5 pounds and asks him "If I give you this money, will you buy beer instead of food?"

"OK, I'll not give you money, instead I'll take you home where my wife will cook you a full meal."

"Ah well, you see, it's important for my wife to see what happens to a man when he gives up Beer, Football, Golf and Sex."

The "Unofficial" Rules of BEDROOM GOLF
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play -- normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have play on or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played on for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
13. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared o proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.
14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
** Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

Last week we were playing this hole and one of the other guys hit a humongous hook that hit a car's windshield. Not wanting to get in trouble we quickly finished the round. Coming up 18 we see a cop at the green. When we get there he asks, "Did any of you guys hit a hook on Number X". The culprit admits it.
The cop then says, "Well your ball went through the windshield causing the 80 year old driver to have a heart attack and die."
The culprit then asks the cop, "Well what should I do."
The Cop replies, "Well I would try opening my stance a little!"

A guy's boat capsizes and he swims ashore to a desert island. On the beach lies a beautiful woman, her ample bust falling out of a tight wetsuit. She tells him she'll grant him any wish he'd like. "I'd kill for a cigarette,'' he says. She zips down the top of the wetsuit a little, reaches into her bosom and fishes out a smoke. He enjoys. "Anything else?" she says. "A cold beer," he says. She zips the top down a little further, reaches in and comes up with a beer. He's relaxing with his beer and his smoke when she says to him, "Would you like to play around?" He looks at her excitedly and blurts out, "You got a set of clubs in there, too?"

A guy is having an affair with his secretary. They take the afternoon off and head to a local motel. As evening approaches, she asks him how he will explain his late arrival to his wife. He thinks for a moment and then asks the secretary to take his shoes outside and scruff them up a bit in the grass. When she returns the shoes are covered with green stains and a blades of grass.
The guy gets home and his wife says: "You're late. Where have you been?"
He replies: "You know that beautiful new secretary I hired? I'm having an affair with her. We spent the afternoon together at a motel."
She looks him over suspiciously, from head to toe. Her eyes lock in on his feet as she stares at the shoes.
"Don't lie to me." she says. "It's obvious you've been at the golf course all day."

	THE MORETON GRANGE GOLF SOCIETY
				Web Page Last Updated 25 June 2011